I am a pretty optimistic and positive person but lately I’ve been so . . . . . frustrated. I want to be all empowering and inspiring and that is what Tribe 21 was founded on but it was also founded on being open and honest. And maybe I’m whining and just need to suck it up and be a big girl but I can’t help but feel like there are others out there who feel the same way I do. So with that I am writing this article.
I have been feeling so frustrated lately about my relationship status. I know that sounds dumb but it’s true. I have been feeling so frustrated and discouraged and sad. Why? Because I am 22 and single watching all my friends and classmates, one by one find their soulmate and get engaged and married. And maybe it’s because it’s the holiday season and coupley, romantic things are in full force absolutely everywhere, ahem Target I’m looking at you. But it feels like every time I log onto Facebook aka the modern day nuptial section of the newspaper, I see another engagement status or proposal photo album. And every time I see it I feel this pang of sadness inside. This heartbreaking, discouraging, frustrating feeling washes over me. I’ve felt this time and time and time again, relentless, merciless and each time stronger than the last. Sometimes it feels like it’s crushing my soul, my heart. That I want to scream at the top of my lungs, or cry for five hours or get rip roaring drunk, something to let this frustration out. But I do nothing and eventually it goes away and things go back to normal. And I know that’s bad but it’s what works. But it’s still there, in the shadows of my heart, ready to rear its ugly head when I see “Boy and Girl engaged” online.
I lay in bed asking myself why, why me? What’s wrong with me? What have I done to deserve this?
I pick a part myself and find my flaws, my imperfections, the only logical reasons why I am still single, boyfriendless and relationshipless. Why I can’t seem to get a guy interested in enough to take me on a date. And maybe I am my own worst critic. Or maybe it’s because I’ve never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship and everyone around me is moving on with their lives while I am going nowhere fast. Or maybe it’s because something is wrong with the way I look. That I’m not pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough, have enough boobs or butt or that my teeth aren’t white and straight enough or that my skin isn’t perfect. Or that I’m too much of a good girl and not enough of a party girl that I need to drink more, party more and show off my body more.
Maybe it’s jealousy seeing everyone around me happy and in love with their soulmates and in that phase of their life while I’m stuck 10 steps behind. Or that I am too ambitious, too strong and independent, confident that I know what I want and who I am that intimidates guys and drives them away. Or maybe because I am a hopeless romantic, an old soul that believes in unconditional love, and an incredible spark between two people and all of the things Nicholas Sparks has made me believe in in his movies. Maybe it’s because I’m too boring, not exciting or bold enough. Or because I have too high of standards and this delusion that my Prince Charming, Mr. Perfect, man of my dreams is out there when no such man exists, that I’m too picky and should just pick a guy. Maybe it’s that I am too eager, that I want someone so badly that I show too much interest and reply to messages too fast. Maybe it’s because I actually want substance and conversation, emotion and vulnerability not just sex.
Maybe it’s because I’m lonely and crave a warm body next to me to lean my head on, to make laugh and make memories with. Or maybe it’s my attitude, that I’m not appreciative about being single that I haven’t found someone. Or perhaps it’s because I’m terrified that I won’t find him. And I’ll show up to my 10 year high school reunion still single while everyone else is married with families and I have absolutely no one to show. Maybe it’s fear that I’m feeling. That I won’t live up to the expectation, or standard that my classmates, society and hell even myself that has been set. That getting engaged is what you do after college and then by 25 you’re married with kids and 27 living your happily ever after. Meanwhile I’m almost done with college, boyfriendless and most of my classmates and friends are already miles ahead of me. Maybe it’s a combination of everything. All I know is it hurts a little bit more each time.
And I know what I am feeling is irrational and stupid and that none of it is true but at the same time it is true and real and I feel it. I feel it to the very depths of my heart and soul and being. I know that one day I will find my person, my soulmate but right now in the present the above is what I’m feeling. And maybe I’m overreacting and whining and I just need to be a big girl and deal with it but I can’t help but believe these are the reasons why I am single. I also know there are others out there who feel the opposite, who love their freedom, independent single life and I want so desperately to be like them but I just can’t. I know that girls don’t need men to be happy and maybe I’ll see that once I have one but for now it’s all I want in this world. So I will keep these feelings and thoughts inside until one day I find someone who shows me that they are all wrong.